The Death Note Parody of 4:29AM
by zzeer0
Summary: DROPPED. Wasn’t it said that Mello was always working to surpass Near? Yes, but who needs the original story anyway? A parody that takes place at the Wammy's House. Could be kind of insultive but if you can take a joke, quite amuzing. yaoi
1. Unexpected Love

**Alrighty, on this random second of this random minute of this random day on this random week in this random month on this random year in this random decade in this random century and I'm going to stop now, I decided to randomly write a random Death Note fanfiction randomly! Hell yes…..**

**Okay, let me mention now, this is PARODY. This is RANDOM. This is STUPID. This is CRACK. This is REALLY BAD WRITING.**

As the writer sat down at her brand new computer, she realized something. She had been using the same substitute for a line for two hours, nine minutes, and fifty-one seconds. She gasped and wasted the next four hours, twenty-three minutes, and thirty-six seconds thinking up a new one. This is what she came up with:

PO.OP

The girl giggled at her genius and continued on.

PO.OP

Mello grinned in a terrible, horrible manner. His grin was so awful, dreadful, appalling or so very bad, that the writer just knew to get more marriage proposals through reviews from random people she had never met she just had to list more synonyms of simply put, 'kind of suckish.' Because everyone knows that to sound smart, you cheat and use a thesaurus so that it sounds like you know really big, huge, enormous, large, spacious, tall, wide, bulky, extensive words so that they review and give you cookies when really, what you're saying makes no sense whatsoever and you are really a waste of atoms that could have been put to perfectly better use as a glass of lemonade for me and this is a run on sentence and I should really stop it.

Anyway, the writer had long since forgotten what she was talking about and had now gone on to something else completely different.

PO.OP

Mello was incredibly bored. And we all now understand that he was incredibly bored but of course you all need to know just how bored Mello was. Mello was so bored he was dropped over a chair in sheer bordomness. Why the writer cannot go on with the story and must now describe the weather I have no idea. But it was a rainy day, which meant no soccer, football (of course, it is forgotten that Wammy's House is in England and the word soccer is used in America and they don't have what we call football), dodge ball, lacrosse, baseball, rugby, badminton, basketball, ultimate Frisbee, hang gliding, handball, snowboarding, tennis, or even camel racing. The writer goes on to name every sport known to mankind.

Anyway, because Mello was so bored and have finally finished his last, and ninety-seventh chocolate bar, he decided to go annoy Near. Of course, all Mello does in his free time is annoy Near. Wasn't it said that Mello was always working to surpass Near? Yes, but who needs the original story anyway?

Mello stomped over to the boy whose entire bangable image was white. Oh, the whiteness about him! Everything was white around him! White skin, white hair, white shirt, white pants, white socks, and nobody can agree on his eye color so let's leave that out of this. Mello gazed at Near's incredibly white, sexy ass. He had never noticed Near's incredibly white sexy ass before. Oh, the pure whiteness about it! Mello suddenly realized that Near was sitting down in a way where you could not see his ass. Oh well, he remembered it from when Near was walking in front of him on their way to classes. Oh the white-sexiness of it all! The writer completely forgot the original reason Mello went over there in the first place!

Mello suddenly decided that he very much loved Near and cried out, "Oh, Near! Where have you been all my life? How I love you so! I have always hated you but I have suddenly decided that I love you! How I trust you so! My name is Mihael Keehl!"

Near blushed at Mello's charming speech. His blush was just like white sheets with a girl's menstrual flow all over them. Ew.

"Oh, Mello!" Near gasped. "I love you too! My name is Nate River!"

And they went off to have hot-shirtless sex in a conveniently placed back room even though at the time Mello was seven and Near was five. They're geniuses so they know how to do it.** (1)**

PO.OP

Meanwhile, while that was all going on, Matt was playing a video game with a dude named Sasuke. Why the author decided to include this dude whose hair looked like he stole it from a ducks butt, we will never know. He's just there. The author was also stupid enough to explain the video game, which was about a certain stupid village where stupid things take place and the main character is a stupid blonde who you really want to shoot half the stupid time. But we all continue to watch/read this incredibly stupid anime/manga (even through the dreaded fillers) because we're all stupidly addicted to it and need to get lives. By this time the people who are smart enough not to watch this loser-of-an-anime Naruto have decided that if they ever see the writer of this stupid thing they will get Himura Kenshin to turn his sakabatou around and totally K.O. the writer to hell.

Anyway, Matt beat Sasuke at the video game because he can never lose and Sasuke went back to his own world where he was very emo and got raped by his older brother. **(2)**

PO.OP

Back with Near and Mello.

Mello didn't know what to do! He was so caught! He loved Near so much! But becoming L was so important…. Then, Mello realized! He and Near could work together! Matt was completely forgotten and Mello and Near became L together even though a the time he wasn't even dead yet.

The writer then realized that to get people to save her terribly written fanfiction that she needed to use the idea of a cliffhanger.

And as Near and Mello giggled next to the wall Raito Yagami (which, spelt backwards is "Imagay") walked past them.

PO.OP

**Chapter 1- End**

……**Okay, let me explain. I'm trying to get the point across that, though yaoi is great, sometimes what people write makes NO SENSE WHATSOEVER. Come on people, if Near and Mello are going to fall for each other then please explain how. And why do people always have them have sex when they're both not even ten. I don't understand!!!! (cries)**

**I am continuously amazed at how many people put characters from other animes than the one they are writing about in their stories. I mean, come on people! Yeah, putting Sasuke in a situation like that wouldn't matter but the reader just feels left out of the joke if they don't know the anime. And if you're all 'You insulted Naruto! I love that show!' right now then guess what? I love it too. Sometimes you really want to shoot yourself in the head with the thing though…….**

**Yeah, yeah, back off lawyers. I don't own your precious stuff. Oh yeah, and I got the title of this from the time I finished typing it up. Reviews make update.**


	2. Melodramatism

**Dum de-dum de dum-dum-dum-de dum-da dooo! Da diddly-diddle do-do-do-do! De da da de! Do-do dum! I have returened! Again! To the story I'm just randomly making up as I go along! Yay! Dum da-da de!**

**Oh yeah, and I'm a bitch so I'm using jokes from Naruto. **

**I'm making this up as I go along, I'm making this up as I go along, I'm making this up as I go along, I'm making this up as I go along, I'm making this up as I go along, I'm making this up as I go along, I'm making this up as I go along, I'm making this up as I go along, I'm making this up as I go along, I'm making this up as I go alone, I'm—(Readers: Get to the point!! –throw teapots-)**

PO.OP

The writer knows (believes) that starting off a story darkly shows a sign of maturity, which means reviews. This can come out great when done well. But can this writer do anything well? No, I thought not. All that matters to her are the amount of reviews she gets. She doesn't care if the entire world melts and cries from the very terribleness of it all. I mean, sticking all the male characters in Death Note in a shower stall is okay, right? It gets feedback. The author has come to realize that people like cheesy smut. She continues with her opening:

The falcon flew across the dreary, dark terrible, ugly, not-very-pretty, sky. The falcon looked in through a window, to a young boy slitting his wrists………

The writer smiles at her opening. It's so sophisticated.

The readers cry out in agony.

On with the story.

PO.OP

"Near! How I have always wanted you! I love you so much! I was only mentioned in like, three panels of the manga! From these three panels, people have decided that I have an enormous crush on you and fanfiction has been written. For us! It's so blunderful! I know!" Linda gushed, leaning over the boy who was white. Oh, the whiteness about him! And the writer forgets that she completely established the fact that Near is rather albinoish in the last chapter and goes on to waste several pages talking about it.

……..Moving on.

"Linda, I am sorry to say this to you, but I cannot return your feelings," said the young smarty-ass genius who we all are very jealous of because he is so genius-like. Remember, this was said in a very genius-like fashion.

Linda looked shocked. She had spoken to him nine times. How could he not love her? She was brought out of her thoughts by his next sentence: **(1)**

"I am eloping with Mello tomorrow."

PO.OP

"Mello!"

"Near!"

"Mello!"

"Near!"

"Mello!"

"Near!"

"Lee!

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

"GAI-SENSEI!!"

"William Shakespeare!"

"…………….." **(2)**

PO.OP

Near and Mello embraced. "Oh, Near! I have been apart from you for too long! I don't know what I shall do!"

"Oh, Mello! It's been twenty-three seconds that we have been apart! I don't know if I could bear another millisecond away from you!"

"Parting is such sweet sorrow!" they exclaimed in unison.

The class twitched.

"Near! Mello! Detention!" shouted the ugly nunish teacher.

The painted sunset and beach scenery behind Mello and Near broke in two, and the disgruntled painters stormed away sighing.

PO.OP

And, of course, the writer hasn't even begun to explain the very strange cliffhanger of the last chapter. Why should the readers have to know what's going on? I mean really!

PO.OP

**Chapter 2- End**

…**.….That was very strange and could be called a filler chapter. Is this how the Naruto creators felt?**

**(1)-I get what some people are saying, but there have been NearLinda fics and I can't help but to think—WTF?!**

**(2)-If you don't know Naruto, you won't get the joke. Man, I should put 'Must understand Naruto to get some of the cheesy, stupid jokes!' in the summary. Eh, I don't think I have room. You've been warned.**

**I hate it how some people can come up with clever disclaimers while I can't. –sigh- I don't own anything in here!**


	3. Instant Messaging

**Hehe, wow I love this fic. It's so much fun to write. I get to be stupid here!**

'**Kay I wanna respond to some of the reviews but my e-mail isn't working so I'm doing it here. **

**Urmaivertigo- Yeah, we all love that smut! You have gotten more: D**

**Krazy Naoko- Thanks! I take Spanish…. I'm so bad at it…. I'm happy you liked it, and you're right of course. But people like smut. ******

**Corvin- Thank you! Check out Niver's. I'll put a link for one and from that you can find the other… If you haven't read them already… http:// www. /s/3764199/1/TheAmazingNejigaaParodyFic (just take out the spaces). She has a really funny NejGaa and two really funny SasNar. You'll love them. By the way, I worship your fics. NejiGaa forever!!!**

**Alessia Riddle- Yeah, well you know how people are -.-**

**sweet G- Yeah, I'm watching episode 170 :P Yay yaoi! But seriously, the things people come up with….**

**Th30v3r0553510n- You're right of course. Some are clever though and make me laugh and this is supposed to be a comedy.**

**Lawlita- O.O You made my day. Who wouldn't?! Haha…**

PO.OP

There comes a time in almost every fic for instant messaging. People love instant messaging. I love instant messaging. So that means Near and Mello must love instant messaging, right? I mean, they're just like us. They spend their time like this right? Makes perfect sense. And of course, they also must have corny, cheesy, screen names like the cheerleaders at my school who call me emo. And they must also speak like they're teenage girls with their IM grammar.

xXSeXiChOcOlAtEXx has signed on.

WHITEandWANTED276 has signed on.

xXSeXiChOcOlAtEXx: Near!

WHITEandWANTED276: OMG! Mello! Its u!

xXSeXiChOcOlAtEXx: Near! I missed u!

WHITEandWANTED276: I kno! Ur sitting right next 2 me!

xXSeXiChOcOlAtEXx: Dats 2 far away!

WHITEandWANTED276: I kno.

xXSeXiChOcOlAtEXx: ok, lets do it in room 136.

WHITEandWANTED276: K lets go.

xXSeXiChOcOlAtEXx is away.

WHITEandWANTED276 is away.

PO.OP

Meanwhile…..

GAMER999 has signed on.

GAMER999: Hey Mello

Auto response from xXSeXiChOcOlAtEXx: Having sex with Near in room 136. LOL!!!

GAMER999: …………………………………….

GAMER999: Um… Mello…. Is this a joke?

PO.OP

On the other side of Wammy's House, a crowd was growing outside of room 136. Strange noises were coming from the door. I wonder….?

PO.OP

And by now, the author has completely forgotten about the cliffhanger from chapter one.

PO.OP

**That was short! Eh, well there wasn't much I wanted to say, I was just bored. Well, I don't own anything (except their screen names—oh wait, I don't own those either…Damn!). The next chapter should be better…. Haha, the author's notes are more lengthy than the actual story (if you call it a story). That's not a good sign.**


	4. Unimportant Details

**Umm… I'm back? (Hopeful grin) Yeah… I got my computer taken away…. I have to stop acting all quiet and emo apparently. **

**Yeah… I got so many reviews that I'm not going to write everything in here. I'm just gonna say that yes, I read each of them. And thank you.**

**Chapter 4: Unimportant Details (have you noticed that the way this is formatted changes each time?)**

PO.OP

Mello was quite busy typing away at his 2007 Macintosh Computer serial number 845600259 at 3:43 PM, Wednesday, December 26, 2007. He was writing a love letter to his Near (HIS, mind you). While doing this he was wearing a cheap 100 cotton, long-sleeved, midnight-black t-shirt, which he bought at Marshall's for precisely $7.39. The shirt had been on sale (10 off our original low prices!!!!!) so Mello had hurried to buy sixteen ½. Don't ask how that turned out. He was wearing black stretchy pants (also 100 cotton and midnight-black which signifies that he has a special talent for matching colors and fabrics. Maybe he should drop being a detective and go into the fashion industry. Take a moment to picture that. Mello….. In the fashion industry). The stretchy pants were a little more pricy though. He had bought them 50 off at Macy's ($899.43, a bargain!) Mello was not wearing anything else (XD commando….) so we are now spared from this writer's strange…. Thingies. **(1)**

Thankfully, the writer took her ADD medication today so we don't need to deal with her suddenly losing concentration on what she was talking about. So… about that letter… This is what it sai-- Hey…. Is that a flamingo?

PO.OP

Oops… wrong medication. Since this chapter completely sucked (not as if they all don't) I'll tell you what the letter said….

_Dearest Darling Near,_

_I love you._

_Love with lots of frills and hearts and ribbons and cupcakes,_

_Mello_

Man, that was a letdown wasn't it?

PO.OP

**Really sorry. Seriously sorry. Sorry. It's just…. I felt bad with no update for a month and a day. What would you rather have- A short, pointless update, or no update at all? Hmm…. That's a good idea for a poll. Eh, someone can do it. Have fun.**

**(1)- I have actually seen this done. As in done, but not as a joke. Scary. **


End file.
